What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
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women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
peeping toms
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.