I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You Might Also Like
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Self-cleaning conscience
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left