Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*