i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
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If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
My dad teaching me to drive
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods