i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
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my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
This is always good for a laugh.
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If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
so, is there a mister shapen head
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.