In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
our love story in four pictures
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME