I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
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Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification