when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
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It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
just witnessed a drug deal
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.