People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
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I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
HELP 😭
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.