I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.