Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.