I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”