If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
We avoided this particular disaster
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
You are what you delete.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?