You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
You Might Also Like
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s