[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
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Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
The pen is writier than the sword.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I can’t be the only one 😂
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I am patiently waiting for your email
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
wait.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.