lmao
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I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
(True)
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.