My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
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The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
This was the best day of my life
Just why bro?!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.