If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
You Might Also Like
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.