It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.