Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
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I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”