My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”