My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
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wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.