In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
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I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.