Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
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Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
How to draw a duck
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”