Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My diet starts in January
of 2027
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!