Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*