“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Breaking news:
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.