Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here