*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
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#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out