1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
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The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers