Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Worlds greatest photobomb
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!