Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.