Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
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Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Baking is just science you can eat.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Finally!
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
#parenting
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
There are usually two types of merchants.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush