if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
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You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
they split up moments later
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan