“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Phones down.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Finally, an explanation.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
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