Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
You Might Also Like
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
2022 will be better than 2021
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult