Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
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You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Not all heroes wear capes.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
so, is there a mister shapen head
Festive toon…
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
emergency phone
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.