[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
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cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.