My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
figuring out my emotional availability:
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks