All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??