Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
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Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
What
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I would move hell over six inches for you