My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Any refunds available?…
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.