“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
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Boating season is upon us.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
get you a girl who