Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I’m being attacked 😭
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it