Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
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Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
yeet
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.