*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
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Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Based Erika
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*