People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
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The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me trying to look natural in photos
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?