My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”