She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
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I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
seems like a niche market
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
somewhere, in an alternate universe
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
o shit
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind