“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
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Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.