Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.